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By Alex: 029

What does it mean to feel like yourself? How do you know. I look in the mirror and don’t often recognise the person I see. Is this dysmorphia or the effect of something else? Have I walked too far down a path and now I can’t see the way back. I chose that path. What does that mean? I chose it but how could I know what it was. It’s certainly well-trodden, but not by me. Do others have a better understanding of it or are they pretending better than me. I pretend quite well but there are cracks. Big cracks. Angry cracks. Hot tears run into them some days. Feelings well and build and swell in my chest, into my throat. I am getting less good at pretending. But I don’t know what parts are pretend and what parts are not. What is the problem? What is my problem? Did I invent it? Is it in my head? Is this just what life is? That’s it, deal with it. Be quiet. Or should I be making changes? Something big or something small. Work on myself, work on my mental health, work on my marriage, go to work, work at parenting, do the housework. Work. No rest. Even when I sit there’s no rest, brain whirring, to-do list growing, regret and shame creeping. Am I punishing myself? Is that what it is? Is it on purpose. Have I smothered myself. In fat, in hate, in shame, in fear, in a life that looks how it should. But how does it feel. How do I feel. Does that matter anymore, or have I made my bed. Is that even the point?

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