By Alex: 019

So, I'm freaking out.

No, not about labour, looking after a newborn, being a new parent, or any of that important stuff.

What I am panicking about is so selfish I'm almost too ashamed to write about it...I am worried about me, and, more specifically, my stuff.

As I wind down to maternity leave, and ultimately permanently leaving my job (ssshhh), I have gone in to serious shopping overdrive. Yes, a large majority has been geared towards baby things, all the baby things, but I have also recognised a massive upswing in my desire for things for myself.

You see, it's the thought of not having my own independent income that is starting to get a bit too real.

Whilst I know that we will still have more than enough money on just my husband's income, much more than enough, the idea that none of that money will really be just mine is kind of scary.

I dearly love my husband, but let's be honest, he is a practical and frugal man - every purchase must be reasoned and justified, no matter how weakly - which makes good sense when considering a household/joint purchase, but where such deliberation is not so fun, is when I want a pair of shoes...because, you know, I already have so many shoes that work perfectly well...

I understand this about my husband, and also understand that its a totally necessary mindset when you live with someone like me - definitely not a frugal woman - but the thought of having to justify every time I want to buy some mascara or pop to H&M for a new dress is adding a new dimension of fear to impending parenthood.

Though it may seem a bit (or a lot) ridiculous worry, finances can be a very serious sticking point in my marriage, and because of this I am taking it seriously.

And by seriously, I mean buying everything I want with my last few paychecks - totally selfish and a total overreaction (and also totally not a solution when your wishlist never seems to diminish). For now, I am blaming pregnancy hormones and the desperate longing I have started to feel for clothes, shoes, and beauty products that I haven't even considered for the last 7 months.

It's a deadly combo.

Moving forward, I am hoping that I won't really give a shit once the baby is here, and this will all seem like the childish tantrum of a spoiled millennial. Failing that, I guess an allowance/budget of some sort could work...

Fingers crossed.