I don't know why it has taken me so long to fully realise, but I am definitely a misfit.
Maybe it has just become more pronounced as I have gotten older, maybe I have become less able to adapt to certain situations (or just less willing), or perhaps I have just become more aware of people around me reacting negatively, but its definitely true.
A misfit is defined as: a person whose behaviour or attitude sets them apart from others in an uncomfortably conspicuous way.
Yep, that about covers it.
And I'm not trying to say that I am some kind of rebel, on a purposeful mission to be different from everyone: its quite the opposite in fact - I am puzzled daily by people's reactions to what I see as my perfectly polite and normal behaviour.
But in the last few years I have come to realise that I must actually be giving different behavioural cues - as in, my face does not convey what I think it does or what society expects to see at any given time.
It's true that I have a stern resting face, otherwise known as 'bitchy resting face,' and as a result I am constantly being told to 'cheer up', that I look tired, or asked what is wrong. 95% of the time that these comments are made I am literally not making any facial expression - I might be just walking along minding my own business, or at my desk at work - I guess I just look a little angry/miserable/annoyed naturally.
And so when I think that I am doing a small, polite smile whilst saying hello or just to be friendly, I have realised that only then does my face actually look neutral (as other people would expect neutral to look), and not particularly smiley or friendly at all...just not offensively dour.
I will admit that I am not exactly overly expressive in the face area, or in the social chat area either really, being an introvert with loner tendencies, and so because of that in order for me to show quote-unquote normal expressions I would need to exaggerate all of my natural ones.
That sounds exhausting, and I already have a lot on.
Instead I think I will just try (TRY) to accept the fact that people like to judge other people by the way they look more than the words they say - on a daily basis I will be asked a question, answer with positive words, and then the other person's response will be as though I answered negatively....literally leaving me feel like I have some kind of opposite-making spell on me, or worse some kind of mute button pressed.
Its just too much. Being 7 months pregnant, and more tired than usual, I just can't be bothered anymore.
I will never fit in the way people want me to, and that is okay. I am who I am. And as long as I know that I am not a horrible person or doing horrible things, and that the important people in my life know that too, then that is good enough for me.